Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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