pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
