you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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