your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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