...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
