If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
