Your face is a jimmy john
I will die if light touches me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Randomize
