she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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