I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
