At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
