Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
