I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
