If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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