I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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