Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
