i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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