Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
