Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
