We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
