Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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