she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
