My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
