take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I FOUND THE LEGS
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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