Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We're too hungover to prance.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
