apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my liver is dry heaving
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize