I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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