i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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