If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
