ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
