I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
