i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
