Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
