I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Randomize
