i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
