A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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