Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
