I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
