I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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