Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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