Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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