I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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