I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
