I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
