Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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