..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
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