Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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