i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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