I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
