Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
