i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
