My room smells like vodka and shame
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
