Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
