so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
