I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
