I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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