If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
