just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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