just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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