Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
