Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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