I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
